I’ve read a few different blogs lately proclaiming themselves as a loner, someone who enjoys traveling through life solo. And it got me thinking… while I don’t necessarily enjoy being single, I have led most of my adult life, and pretty much all of my childhood, solo.
As a kid, my family was surrounded with other families – mostly coworkers who turned into quasi-family. And while all of those families had children, there was only one other boy, and he was nearly ten years older than me, so couldn’t be bothered. And if I had wanted to hang around the girls at that young age, there weren’t any in my age group – three were older, two younger. As I think back on my childhood, I spent a lot of time either sitting alone somewhere, doing my own thing – drawing, puzzles, playing with Legos, photographing things, running my own little science experiments – or sitting with the adults, which probably explains why I get along so well with people older than myself, but not so well with my peers.
As a teenager, I made the decision to go to high school at a different high school than I was “supposed” to go to. See, we lived fairly close to one district’s high school, but my dad was a teacher at the high school in the next district over, and as such, I was eligible to have my state-aid switched. After a sixth grader was arrested with a five pound bag of speed (illegal drug, for those that aren’t familiar…) during the last week of school of my eighth grade year, I quickly made the decision to change schools. However, I didn’t think about the negative effects – namely, that I would be coming into the school a stranger where groups of friends had already been formed, and that being a teacher’s kid would have dire consequences. Sure, I got to make phone calls, use the Xerox machine, or get extra lunch money from dad… but I also went through high school without a single person I could claim as a “close friend”, let alone having anything resembling a girlfriend. I was never invited to any of the parties, unless it was for a sports team or club. I was often the target of pranks. I could go on, but you get the point…
College was pretty close to the same thing, although I did have a few girlfriends, I did have one or two people I thought were close friends (although, I was proven wrong later…) and I went to a bunch of parties. But I never felt like I belonged. I always felt like an outsider. And I still spent a lot of my time doing things solo, especially when I was single.
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| Not me... just saying. |
As such, I learned REAL quick how to survive on my own. I taught myself to depend on nobody, to trust nobody, and to confide in nobody. I’ve discovered hobbies that I can do on my own, and have grown to enjoy being alone. I have built up my life to protect myself, to keep myself entertained, and to maintain some level of constancy. Believe me, these are not traits I am happy about. As look back on my life, I see the progression to my current solitude. I fear that it may be too ingrained in my personality to change. And for the record, I absolutely hate being alone…
I find it odd that I can divulge more of my life here, in this blog, than I have in person in years. Times like this, I wonder if technology is truly a gift, or if it’s a bad thing. Without technology, perhaps we would all be a bit less solitary...
