Wednesday, June 18, 2008


My newest quirk to overcome: fear.

I'm afraid to end my marriage, even though I am convinced that is the only way I can be happy again. I am afraid to venture back into the world, single and alone, trying to find someone worth my time.

I'm afraid to commit to a new career. There was a time when I believed that architecture was what I wanted to do forever. I'm not such a believer anymore. I still love architecture, the beauty and the lines, but I don't know that I love *DOING* architecture.

And the worst fear of all, I am deathly afraid to tell my parents that I want to go back to school to be a chef. I don't know why, my parents aren't overly intimidating or anything. In fact, they were both teachers before retirement, so they tend to be quit approachable. Part of it, I think, is that I have always lusted after their support, their approval. I know that my wife won't be supportive of this decision. She rarely is, unless it benefits her directly. But my parents, being my parents, should be supportive, no matter what the decision, right? And most likely, they would be. But I know how much they sacrificed to get me through architecture school, and to just up and quit like this...well, I'm sure it won't go over too well. And the last thing I want to do is disappoint my parents. I feel my life has already disappointed enough.

And the unknown factor involved in all of this has me terrified.

We will see, I suppose. I am planning to go home for a week of rest and relaxation at the end of June. We'll see how they react...or if they react. They may just pass it off as one of my "dreams" that will get washed away with the next good rainstorm. God knows I've had my share of those, too. Maybe that's why I am so nervous to do this - because I'm not sure if it's just a fad or if it's something I really want to do. And I'm not exactly sure how to distinguish between the two, either.